autumncalvert’s blog

So many times in my life, I have prayed for things.  It seems quite interesting to me how God's responses vary...depending on His will.  At times, I hear this solid, "No".  Then, there are times when I here, "no", from the obvious not getting the thing I prayed for...  There are other times when I receive an instant, "Yes"...generally when I am asking for Him to draw nearer to me.  This answer, however, came slowly.  Not like the rumbling of a waterfall or the pounding of waves... this answer came sweetly beckoning me to be patient.

For years now, I have prayed for girlfriends.  Sure, I have had girlfriends throughout my lifetime, but, only a couple did not take advantage of my gift of giving.  Many times, I prayed, "God, please...please send me lasting friendships with women."  Of course, I have friendships with my mother and sister, but, those are different. 

About a year ago, God began to answer my prayer.  I met Amy Gustafson.  We sat there awaiting the slaughter of being "judged" by music industry "players".  It was intense.  Poor Amy had to wait FOREVER to go on stage.  Little did I know, she had already become friends with this chick named Mindy.  The last day of the conference we attended, I met Mindy.  The three of us didn't have the time to really talk, but, I sensed a connection.  I was not hopeful these girls would be my close friends due to our distance and my lack of trust, but, I did not put up walls of doubt, either.  Much to my surprise, God did the amazing:  He closed distances and grow hearts together like intertwining three seperate trees...they eventually become one single glorious tree with many colors.  These are my friends.

This week, the three of us spent several days together breathing in the beauty of God's creation, and I was able to really get to know these girls.  They are 2 of the most wonderful people I've ever met (*a little drama for you gals), and I am so thankful God has intrusted their friendships to me. 

God is so neat.  He has literally blown apart the dam, and I now have more girlfriends than I ever thought humanly possible.  Not only with these extrodanary women, but with other women He has divinely placed on my path.  I'm glad God slowly worked His wonders on my heart.  I love my gals!!!!! 

Over the last 3 years, my husband and I have struggled financially.  It seems like every time I talk with God, I include some sort of "help us out of our money problems" comment.  Not that I think God is not listening, but I have seen little improvement.  We do have good jobs now, and I don't sweat the house payment or the utility payment, but there are other debts where we just want freedom.

This obsession we, and most other American's, have with money is paramount above most other life situations.  Even though I don't fancy myself as a fashion diva, I do not like shopping because I am unable (generally) to purchase anything.  It's crazy because I have so many items of clothing now, I can barely fit them into my closet!  Also, instead of "how can I help someone", I concentrate on, "how can I afford more dirt and mulch for my garden".

I began to think on these things yesterday, and I realized something.  This is such a simple truth, but, somehow, I never saw it.  Jesus was unconcerned about money.  Absolutely unconcerned!  When they needed tax money, He told His disciples to get it out of the mouth of a fish.  He was so unconcerned that He allowed the one man He knew would betray Him to be the keeper of their money!  Who knows what Judas was doing with the money...Maybe he wasn't doing anything wrong...maybe he was...but Christ didn't seem to care.  The only time Jesus seemed to have any interest in money was when the widow brought all she had to Christ.  It wasn't even the money He was concerned with...it was the fact she gave ALL SHE HAD to Him.

I am ashamed of myself.  All this time, my concerns have been with the things of this world, and all Christ has wanted from me was a little trust.  So, now...I am going to try and walk through my life without stressing over the next bill that is due, but concentrating on the God/Man who already counted the cost and paid all the debts for me.  And..my friends...I don't think it was the utility bill or the past due credit card payments He was thinking of on the Cross.  It was me...sinful me...who owes man more than just love and who sinned by wanting a new spring purse more than a closer walk with Him.

BASSAKWARDS

I realize a lot of folks are wondering where in the world this “Autumn Calvert” artist girl went to.  To be quite honest, I went backwards.

I entered this music world many years ago with these grand delusions of grandeur.  At 25, I released a country album that sat me in front of a couple of record labels.  It wasn’t a bad album.  Actually, for what it was, it was pretty good.  It just wasn’t my flavor.  The most difficult part of all of it was the unveiling of my eyes to the music industry.  I don’t know if it was because I was in some way weak, or if it was because I was too aware of the monster.  You see, one of my greatest gifts from God Almighty is discernment.  So, there I sat with these folks who wanted to flush my system with clouds and superficial sparkle, but all I could see was this monster ready to devour.  I don’t believe it was my ability that tanked my “career” at that point.  I believe my drive was smashed.  I no longer wanted anything to do with a beast that consumed people for breakfast and excreted money in return.  So…I quit.  This rabbit hole was way to foreboding. 

When I married my husband, he pushed me to record an album, so, I did.  I had all of these songs I really wanted folks to hear.  My hopes were of grandeur yet again.  Then, I saw it:  the beast.  This time, instead of turning to run, I thought maybe the beast would have an appetite for something different than tasty flesh and bone.  I was wrong.   I could see the beast sniffing out all of my friends to find the meatiest of the bunch.  Who has the look?  Who has the sound?  Who can be manipulated?  Who can we take and turn their innocence and drive into our consumable product? 

Many will read this and think I may be jaded.  Some may believe I have this distaste because I’ve “not made it”.  To those I say this:  think again.  The best thing that ever happened to me was God protecting my life against the beast.  I have true free will, and those who have “made it”, well…their description of free will is the same one I would give to bondage.

So, where is this artist, “Autumn Calvert”?  She is right here.  My fingers are clicking away at the keyboard, and my mind is surrounded with words and phrases I place together to create a form of thought.  Same girl…same talent…  It’s just that I am now back at the start.  This is the only place I can think of where you can actually go back in time, but with all of the knowledge you have learned through experience.  A place where the ground is solid and smells sweet, and your mind is not disrupted with the howls of wolves.  My mom used to say the word “bassakwards” and crack me up.  But now, I realize…sometimes the best way to be and the best place to be is bassakwards.  At least there, you know who you are and what you were created to be.  You don’t have to live in the smoke of the beast in this land.  Your only concern is the paint, the canvas, and the Creator.  Ah…I love this bassakwards place! 

I don't mind spring.  Actually, I love spring.  The brilliant flavors of new birth capture my senses.  There is an excitement about spring...a happiness you cannot capture in a bottle or remember with accuracy. 

However, there is one particular thing I cannot stand.  One thing that awakens me before I am ready and irritates me to no end:  Daylight savings time.

Why can't the powers that be just leave time as it is?  Why can't our bodies just become accustomed to one  time and be done with it?  I would be so thrilled to see 8 a.m. arrive at the same moment everyday for a single year.  But Nooooooo....8 a.m. is either 7 a.m. or 9 a.m.  Drives me bonkers.

And...heaven forbid you forget to change your clock.  You end up being extremely late or extremely early for your daily activities.  I throws the whole system into a tizzy.

So...that's it.  I just woke up, and I am, as usual, crabby.  Daylight savings time just threw gasoline on my already stoked fire.  I will, I suppose, just get used to this ridiculous time change and be done with it.  I will try to not let it spoil my enjoyment of a beautiful day.  I just need to wake up before I start skipping.

Tick-tock...tick-tock...tic-tock...

The hallway was barren.  I was the only one breatheing in the whole area, except for the occasional critter or two.  The florescent lights burned through every atom-the artificial sunshine.  I'm sure the areas that were meant to be white felt a bit peeved their brilliance had be disrupted by such a nasty form of light.

Tic-tock...tic-tock...tic-tock

I had been this way before.  The one store had closed up shop many hours earlier, and the coffee shop did not exude the brilliant smells of earth many miles from where I now stood.  It was locked up tight.  A singular police officer strode into the building in a bit of a rush. "I didn't do it!," I said with a laugh as I continued to walk.  "I know you didn't-he did," and he turned to walk back out to his cruiser.  I looked through the enormous window and saw the perp. in the car of another officer driving away.  That was unexpected, but, it seemed to be the theme for the day.

Tic-tock...Tick-tock...tick-tock

As I turned the corner, I saw this hagared looking middle-aged black woman with her apperatis attached as she dragged it down the hallway.  "How are you?" I said...then, realizing where I was, it seemed like a stupid question.  "I'll be alright...just going to smoke"  I decided to head out with her.  She bummed a couple of fags from me, and we had a very interesting talk.  Seemed to me she continued to put herself in the same situation  Though she knew what not to do, she did it anyway.  "Huh.." I thought.  "Sounds familiar..."  I turned and said goodbye to the good natured woman, and continued my journey.

Tic-tock...Tick-tock...tick-tock...

As I reached the elevator and climbed into the mechanical coffin I place my trust in without thought, I began to thank God for His rich blessings.  He had done precisely what I had asked...and quickly to boot!

Tic-tock...Tick-tock..tick-tock...

When I reached my floor, I stepped out of the elevator with much more confidence than climbing aboard only an hour and a half earlier.  It was finally over.  The waiting, the worry, the exhaustion-they could all be taken out on my pillow.  My husband had been sick all day, and I had convinced him to go to the doctor.  At 3:00, we reached the doctors office...him with a very high fever.  At 5:30, we were admitted into the hospital.  At 12:00 midnight, he was in emergency surgery with his appendix.  At 1:30, I was walking back to his room to wait on him to return from recovery.  As my feet went "tick-tock...tick-tock...tick-tock..." on the marble floors, I found an interesting situation with a cop and a perp, and a black woman with diabetes who had fought and won over death, yet again.

Oh..and the prayer was the surgeon would have skillful hands and my husband would be ok.  God answered the prayer.

As I laid down on my hard-as-a-rock cot, I thanked God I for a place to be horizontal.  I took off my shoes, and spoke to them as if they cared, "NO MORE TICK-TOCKING FOR YOU FOR A WHILE" and drifted off to sleep.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom and I were chatting about how out of shape we were.  Neither of us has a serious "weight problem", but we are what we call "skinny fat".  Though we are thin (we have put on some extra weight), we are terribly out of shape and unhealthy.

We griped about it for about 10 minutes when my mom says, "Lets make a game of it!".  I agreed, and the rules of the game are these:

1. We take turns each week on what the rules are.  Therefore, every week is different.

2.  We give up an unhealthy food for one week (fried, sweets, bread, etc.)

3.  We drink at least 32 oz. of water a day.

4.  We exercise 30 minutes at least per day. 

One point is alloted for each day.  You can earn only a portion of the point, but, the goal is to get the whole point every day.  Here is the point system:

1.  1/4 of a point is for water

2.  1/4 of a point is for the food portion

3.  1/2 of a point is for exercise

The plan does have minor changes each week. Our 1st week, we gave up fried food...the second, sweets...the third, bread...and this week we gave up all 3.

Our week's begin on Wednesday.  On Tuesday we discuss the "rules of the week" so to prepare ourselves for Wednesday.

The last day of May is when the game will come to an end.  The winner will be chosen by the most inches lost and  the most points gained.

The prize is this:  If I win, she comes to visit me and cooks me a meal.  If she wins, I go to visit her and I cook her a meal.

The game has been VERY challenging.  The food issue has not been the most difficult aspect.  However, the exercise thing has been frustrating.  I have as of yet found an exercise plan that makes the most sense for me.  I started Tae Bo, but, because of bad knees and weak legs, it KILLS the knees.  Pilates seems to be the best option for now.  Also, the weight and inches fall off very slowly.  The experts say this is good, so, I'm hoping one day I'll put that measuring tape to my body and shout for joy!

On top of all of this, I am detoxing.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, so, I'm working on doing all that is good for my body.  I've cut out all sodas, and all I drink is coffee and water.

The main thing this has taught me is discipline.  I'll keep everyone up to date on the progress!

On this topic, I could write many many stories.  The "what if" scenario can make the most even minded person depressed, thankful, or insane.  From time to time, I find myself falling down the rabbit hole of "what if I had done this".  Eventually, I just end up in a place where nothing makes sense. However, I will go ahead and approach this hole for the sake of a good story, and, hopefully, it will leave the mind thankful.

My mother's mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was only 18 years old.  My mom and dad had been married for less than a year when they were put in a delicate situation.  My grandfather had lost his capability to care for her younger twin brother and sister who were 8 years old.  Out of responsibility and love, my mom and dad brought them into their home to raise.

I was born when my aunt and uncle were 11 years old.  My aunt, Joy, began caring for me as if I were her very own little baby doll.  When I was about 2 years old, I was hanging out with Joy in the kitchen while she was frying something.  Joy had finished cooking, and she was moving the hot grease from the stove to the sink when she lost a good grip of the handle.  I was sitting on the floor under her, and she quickly moved the skillet, making grease stream out of the skillet onto her hand.  If she had not taken the bullet, today, I would be massively scarred from my head to my toe.

Today, my aunt, Joy, still has a massive scar on her hand and wrist reminding her of the day she rescued me from what could have been.  And, like I've done for all my life, when I see her, I take her hand in mine and pet the scar in an attempt to thank her again and again for the sacrifice she made.

There is an old adage which states, "we'll give them enough rope to hang them self with."  This little diddy is one which goes along with the idea of letting people continue to ruin their lives until they suffer under their own hand, and those standing in the wings are waiting to pounce or take center stage.  Looking at the rope in this way is quite dis consorting.  Not only is it not Christ-like, it is just not nice.  Most will allow this to occur out of pure meanness or because of fear of speaking the truth.

Is there another view of "the rope"?  I believe there is.  What can you do with a rope?  Yes, you can "hang yourself with it", but, also, you can climb a rope.  You can tie things down on a trailer bed of a truck.  You can lower a rope to someone who is in the bottom of a pit or hanging off the side of a mountain.  All of these wonderful things can be done by just applying the rope in positive ways.

There are so many times in my life when I feel like I'm tying a noose instead of using the "sins of my past" as tools to help rescue others who continue to gather miles of rope.  Many do not have "ears to hear", but, sometimes, there are those who open their minds and hears to listen to wisdom which can only be gained through being stupid and God reaching down with a rescuing hand. 

I have found living in regret is also living in defeat.  Are there things I wish I had not done?  Absolutely.  However, living in regret is also living with that old noose around my neck.  All I can do at that point is just wait for the floor to be swept out from under my feet.  Almost like an old time movie, you can see yourself standing there with the crowds hovering around.  The man with the black outfit stands ominously.  The preacher says the last few words, and you know at some point the lever will be pulled.

Then there is Christ.  He is the hero who shoots the arrow through the air and severs the lifetaking tension between you and your death.  He is the one who takes that rope and makes it into a beautiful useful tool.  He makes these woven pieces of hemp into gold threads of love.

Today...the rope does feel as through it is tightening.  However, Christ has shown me I need not adorn my neck with guilt and death, but, instead, I should wear the necklace of salvation and realize the place at which I stand:  not on the hangman's platform, but at the right hand of God.  With the Spirit of God as my guide, I pack up my rope and hang it on my tool belt.  I will continue my journey through this war torn earth, knowing that at any given moment I may need to repel or drop my rope down and pull up a person hanging from the side of a mountain.  Maybe, along the way, I will see someone who is moments away from the floor being pulled from under their stability.  It will be then I will show them my rope and tell them how Christ can make all things new.  Maybe they will cry out to Christ to save them, and another rope will be severed and another journey will begin...with enough rope to attach to the tool belt. 

About a month or two ago, I was set to lead praise and worship for our little group of believers who meet in a bar on the west side of town.  Generally, I do not get too terribly nervous about praise and worship, but this particular morning was different.

I had a cold.

A significant cold...one of those colds where you wake in the morning to more gook crap in your head than brains or oxygen.  Yep...everyone knows those moments, but singers generally appreciate these times more than most.  Your vocal cords are covered with gross phlegm, and squeaking is about all you can manage.

So, this particular morning, I awoke to the beauty of snot.  I dragged my sick self out of bed and guzzled a cup of coffee down before slithering into the hot shower.  Our shower water pressure is lacking...to say getting spit on would be more comfortable than our shower would not be exaggerating...too much.  So there I stand, half freezing and half asleep with luke warm water dripping on my head when I spoke to my Lord..."God, at least I will be making a noise...help me at least make a noise..."

It was then I was struck by the Spirit: "Autumn, don't you know!  It's not so much about the noise part as it is about the JOY part!"

"WOW," I thought!  He is RIGHT! (duh)

So...to say the least, worship was....FANTASTIC!  I couldn't sing very well, but joy somehow screamed past every squeak!!

My friends...when life just plain sucks, and a noise is about all you are able to make...just remember..it's not so much about the noise part as it is about the JOY!!!

So...Mindy Boyd has been on my case for about 3 months now to read Amy Gustafson's post, "How I Spent My Summer".  Like always, I procrastinate until the moment seems right. 

Yesterday, I was "googling" myself to make sure all was right on the web, and I saw I had won an "Amy" award.  As I was flipping through her sight, I saw the postings.  Being I was at work, I decided to wait to read it when I had more time. 

Last night, I was talking with Mindy again, and she urged me (nice way to say...pressured me) into reading the darn post.  "OK Mindy!", I said, a bit flustered at her insistence. 

So, this morning, I sat at my work desk and began to read this story that would forever change my life.  Amy has woven a beautiful work of art together which will make even the hardest of hearts begin to think, "what is it in my heart that Christ would want to remove?".

First of all...thank you Mindy for your ever persistant way of nudging me towards what God wants me to see.  You do have this sisterly air that says, "just do what I'm telling you to do, duffus!".  I sure do love having you as a sister, girl!!!  You ROCK.

And Amy...please keep writing these stories God puts on your heart.  You are beautiful!